


Logan's journal

by TangerineKumquat



Series: House of Briar, Baptised in Fire [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: except thomas, they're KIDS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-03-20 14:23:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 70
Words: 14,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18994387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TangerineKumquat/pseuds/TangerineKumquat
Summary: Logan, I know you believe we are disciplining you because of your mental issues, but we aren't. Nor is it because you don't like the others.You are being disciplined for hitting Patton. We've talked to him about not writing in others books. But you had no right to hit him.We also know your injury wasn't your fault. We are just trying to care for you. Logan you're 11 it's OK to act it.Signed, Your family





	1. 1/31/01

Dear journal, 

My name is Logan Brentford, my therapist gifted me with this journal as a "coping mechanism." Though I do not believe her I have learned it's easier to comply with the adults. I have recently been relocated to a new foster home. My last one found my lacking emotional development as "too challenging." Though I do not prefer sudden change of scenery, I would gladly take any chance to spend an extended period of time without addressing emotions. 

As I understand it there are presently 4 other children in the home. We are governed by three adults, they insist on us using their first names. But the most underdeveloped of us, I believe he was refered to as "Payton," insists upon referring to them as parental figures. 

I currently am staying in a room with Roman, he seems nice enough, but I know his type. I do not intend negativity but I've learned my lesson. 

Something odd has occurred, it sounds like someone is walking around in the attic. It must be the old ventilation system, it seemed to have occured simultaneously with the start up of it. Anyway It's lights off now and I'm not going to be disobedient on the first night.

Signed,  
Logan Brentford


	2. 2/01/01

Dear Journal,

This morning I woke with a cut on my leg. I will have to check my bed for any sharp objects or bugs that may have caused it. Roman told me it was no cause for concern, saying I probably sleep scratch. Since I know myself much better than Roman, I know this possibility is the least likely. 

I'm going to breakfast and participate in whatever activities the trio have planned. I will write tonight. 

The day wasn't anything of intrest.  
Nothing intresting occurred today, I got to learn more about the other inhabitants. The Patton kid, I  
wrongly accidentally addressed by accident  
addressed him as Payton before.

I don't know what's gotten into me, normally I can communicate my words well. It must be the attached feelings that are messing with my abilities. T_"'-*~`|>~~•`~/

I was startled, I apologize for the lines that take up space. My pencil case suddenly rolled off the desk. The problem is I have difficulty recalling when I placed it by the edge. That doesn't matter much. The walking sound is back, when I asked Joan about it  
He  
They told me that I was correct, it was purely the ventilation.

Roman I know you're reading over my shoulder. My personal matters don't concern you. Go watch one of those Disney movies you love so much. 

He apparently didn't favor me knowing, his idiotic response was to take my glasses and call me a "nerd." Luckily I only need them for reading and always carry a back up pair. It's getting late and I'd rather hide my things before Roman returns. 

Goodbye, Logan Brentford.


	3. 2/02/01

Dear Journal, 

I couldn't sleep last night, I woke up around midnight. I could only tell by the numbers on Roman's garish clock. I felt very odd, sick, hot, and sweaty.

I believe I was having a nightmare. Though I did not bad still do not remember anything scary or frightening about my dream. I had sat up in my bed when suddenly I felt my right hand go numb and cold. It felt like someone was holding it. Though I know it's illogical and probably hallucinations, it did bring me concern. Before it ended I swear I saw a dark shape. This is probably due to half asleep dreaming, and the fact I didn't have my glasses on. 

I attempted to return to sleep. Though it was unsuccessful due to that forsaken air conditioning and Romans constant movement. 

I'm giving up on sleeping. 

It's me once again, the day once again was uneventful. Joan made me watch television with the others. It was purely mind numbing cartoons,   
everyone actively forcing me here but ignoring my desires. 

Luckily I snuck away. 

That's no longer Important, I just caught sight of the most extraordinary moth on the balcony.   
I have never seen something like it, its large brown wings reminding me of owls. As soon as I can I'll look for its proper name. Until then it's just a Logans Moth. 

I still can't get over how adapted it is, dark like trees, eyes to make predators think twice. I wonder if I were to hold it if it'd be soft.

Reminder: go out tomorrow and hunt for moths!

Even if a journal can't tell me that, I'll read it tomorrow. Now I'm going to rest for optimal energies tomorrow. 

Dearly, Logan Brentford


	4. 2/03/01

Dear Journal,

I am currently sitting outside, taking a break from Moth hunting to update you. First off that air conditioning deserves to falter. I don't care about having a heat stroke as long as it's turned off. It's loud and annoying, I HATE it.

While I'm on the subject I hate rooming with Roman. This morning I awoke to scratches on the wall, when I informed Roman he shrugged it off. That further sealed that fact to me and since he doesn't want to admit it, I've covered it with one of his silly posters. I'm not a snitch.

The only question lingering is what did he use. Pencils would leave lead marks, Tacks would dig up the paint, the only thing that comes to mind is a blunted knife. Much like the ones Virgil keeps.

Which it's ridiculous he's allowed, I mean if a 10 year old isn't allowed to help cook. Why should an edgy 13 year old be allowed a whole collection of knives? It's plain favoritism as usual, he plays along with their family game and is allowed free reign. It's not fair.

I shouldn't be distracted by him, I have much more important insects to focus on. I have just managed to catch a beautiful tan moth with fuzzy antenna and a smaller grey moth. Even though I desire to pet it, I'll restrain myself for its well being.

There's blood on my leg. Where'd it come from, my leg didn't scrape up on anything. 

I managed to get back to the house, the wound was deeper than I anticipated. Talyn helped me clean and wrap it up. I can tell they believe it's self inflicted, everyone is looking at me differently. 

They should know from my file that I have never cut, talked about ending myself or anything of the sort. But knowing them they probably threw it away because it made me different. They probably think, "lacking emotional expression and has a hard time developing relationships? Psh as if, if we sing ridiculous songs and force him from his comfort zone he'll become a perfect compliant mold." 

I hate it.

I can't be strongly emotional, it's a waist of my time. I should be out hunting more moths. Too make matters worse Des is having his birthday. Young children on sugar is never a pleasant scenario. Nor is the fact that I'll have to spend time conducting a ridiculous ceremony.

Signed, a very angry Logan


	5. 2/04/01

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Logan, I know you believe we are disciplining you because of your mental issues, but we aren't. Nor is it because you don't like the others. 
> 
> You are being disciplined for hitting Patton. We've talked to him about not writing in others books. But you had no right to hit him. 
> 
> We also know your injury wasn't your fault. We are just trying to care for you. Logan you're 11 it's OK to act it.
> 
> Signed, Your family

Dear Journal

I'm tired. So so tired of this family game, talk about your feelings. Ever since my injury they've been badgering me to spend every waking moment in their presence. 

None of them are pleasant.

Patton is childish and an attention hog. Virgil is... he's the most tolerable but he's too quite, I don't like how easily he can appear without me noticing. Roman is LOUD, he'll never shut up. Try as I may he won't. Des, why would I find it pleasant to babysit a 6 year old who's barely potty trained?

Now with the adults. They're all just so annoying and it's like I have multiple therapists. Thomas is the worst, he's loud too, and so so obnoxious. I hope they give up on me too and ship me off to a uncaring home. 

That's the dream.

Hi Logans diary! I'm Patton, he went off to sulk so I thought I'd be fun to know him. It's not, he's very

I'm going to cruficy that idiot. This is my property and he has no right to put his greasy hands on it. He's probably going to go cry to the adults, "Logan doesn't like people, he wants to be left alone without emotional burdens!" And they'll all call me a freak and discipline me for being how I am. Maybe they'll send me off to a mental asylum where I can finally get some peace and quite. 

No even then I won't have it. The world is too loud. I like books, they're quite and everything is in order. Like this before that... boy... wrote inside of it and ruined it's beauty.

Signed, Logan


	6. 2/07/01

Dear Journal, 

I was grounded. You were forcibly removed from my hands. It feels so wrong for the pages not to stay in numerical order. But at least I have you back. 

Once again I have begun therapy. They forced me to go to my personal nightmare. Sitting on an uncomfortable couch and having this idiot ask for my emotions.

I've only once enjoyed therapy. When I was 5, living with the Smith's. My therapist would allow me to play with toys, read books, and draw diagrams. Sure she'd still ask me about my feelings, but she'd allow me to draw them out instead of talking. 

This new therapist is nothing like that. He's like Patton but with a psychology degree. I continued to tell him I'd rather not talk. He kept making cartoon comparisons. Doesn't he realize that relating complex feelings to children's shows may make m people feel invalid. That's of course not my case, but you comprehend my point.

Luckily he got the memo once I pulled out my new book on moths and butterflies. The peace and quiet was very welcome. I'm glad patient confidentiality exists, or those children in adults bodies would metaphorically tear me apart if they learned of my defiance. 

Besides therapy everything stayed mediocre. It's been incredibly cold inside, forsaken air conditioning. Making annoying noises that keep me awake and making everything so cold. Because of the continuous air flow, doors randomly close. Trust me a door slamming making the others jolt or scream... or in Des case cry, is not as funny as you'd think. 

Sincer, Logan


	7. 2/08/01

The doors open. lt             closed before, why's it open3                       was             

Pleose don'f  let it near me write

Why vvon't       wakc   
                  he              uP?

 lm brcat ing too lou  d.


	8. 2/9/ 01

Dear Journal, 

Someone is messing with me. I didn't write at all yesterday with how hectic it was. My grammar is nothing close to that. Though the culprit matches my writing style well.

Now on the subject of yesterday.

Why can't I remember? I don't remember yesterday. I thought I  
No I misremembered, I hid my journal because of them and that's why I didn't write. There was never anything special about yesterday. I woke up, I ate toast for breakfast. Nothing important occured.

This day was much the same, except we had Chinese food for dinner. It was delicious but not good substance, probably why Patton is currently downstairs eating. I know it's him because I heard his door open and now close.

You think he would value that most of them are trying to sleep and not slam the door shut. Speaking of such, I should probably sleep.

Goodbye for now, Logan


	9. 2/10/01

Dear Journal,

I am so young. I didn't realize it until today. I was locked in the bathroom and decided to gaze in the mirror. 

I thought I'd have grown up, but I'm still short and even with my stylish glasses. I'm baby faced and young. 

Damn damn Air Conditioning, too cold. The others must have suns on their stomachs to stand it. It's annoying and cold, I'm surprised I don't have the flu. I miss the warmth of outside. But I can't go out alone after what happened to that kid. 

It alarms me, but I try not to think about the things out of my control. 

I was writing about the bathroom. So back to that, Roman locked me inside. I loathe him. He used up all the hot water than used the key... wait I have control on the lock. I'm so stupid.

Nevermind, turns out he propped a chair against the door, since I faced resistance. I just wish he hadn't taken my robe or my clothes. 

It's so cold, I'm going to put a beetle in his lunch box. No that's unfair. A beautiful beetle doesn't deserved to be crushed, I'll get up early to put roadkill in his drawers. 

That's a bad idea too, I couldn't bear touching death so closely. Even still I can't go by that park. I always feel someone watching me, though it's probably just mental superstition.

I've wrote enough today.

Good day, Logan


	10. 2/11/01

Dear Journal,

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■  
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■  
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■  
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■  
■■■■■■■■

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

■■■■■■■■■■■■

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry Logan


	11. 2/12/01

Dear Journal,

Today Dr. Picani asked me to describe my dreams. Having read a many dream meaning journals myself, I gave simple examples and allowed him to interpret them.

The reason I bring this up is because I had a very vivid dream last night. I was spitting out my teeth. Normally this is no big deal, but last night was more real. I could taste my teeth on my tongue, feel them along my mouth. But I remember there was no copper taste of blood, just teeth.

It was... intreging, the teeth falling from my lips. I wonder if that's what bones taste like. Thick and near tasteless, but also like bark and sand. Cold but warm. It brings me such curiosity.

Besides that the day was dull as usual. Though I've started to grow closer to Virgil. He invitedI me to watch movies with him, and for once they weren't idiotic childish films. First we watched some nature documentaries of my picking then he showed me strange movies. Full of blood and fear, if I was weaker I would have fled. We finished with a childish movie. 

It was much more palatable after watching things I enjoyed. I think I like Virgil the best, and will miss him when they give up on me.

Goodbye Logan


	12. 2/13/01

Dear Journal, 

I most definitely enjoy Virgil's company, today we peddled our way down to the park. The park has a creek below it and he kept the adults at bay as I played in the water. He then joined me, helping me collect samples as he talked about stuff. I can tell he really favors Patton, it hurts a little but I am used to them loving the more dull people over me. 

But I enjoyed my time with him. I have never felt so relaxed. After we biked home I managed to tolerate puzzle sorting with Des and Patton. It was a bit fun to struggle along with them. 

It was all ruined when Thomas told me how proud he was. Like I know it was a chore but he could keep his mouth shut. 

I still can't forgive Roman for all he's done. Especially since I Believe him to be a sew-she- o-path or something. Prancing about madly while fully willingly harming me. It upsets my heart that I should be the victim and why won't the AC shut up! 

My two constant enemies. Especially when the AC causes cracked doors to shut or open. Making me feel someone is near. I'm running out of room.  
Sincerely, Logan


	13. 2/14/01

Dear Journal,

It seemed I lacked foresight. I have come down with a cold due to playing in the water at that temperature. I had wrongfully assumed that biking would warm me up, but it didn't. 

Sickness isn't bad itself but now I feel like a porcelain doll, everyone's doing everything for me and refusing to let me help myself. Luckily this means Roman and most other annoyances are shooed off. Allowing me time to myself, only downfall is Virgil isn't allowed in. A cold isn't that bad, they should know in all their adult wisdom that people require the presence of others to maintain a healthy mind. 

Not that my mind is unhealthy just I'd rather be with Virgil to sitting like a corpse in a casket. I shouldn't dwell it's not like I'm in control.

Signed, Logan


	14. 2/15/01

Dear Journal,

There I stood alone, in a dark, decrepit basement. The walls were messily patched with bandages across the leaking pipes. I couldn't move but somethings came forward. It was Roman, he had on a strange mask much like the crying half of the theater mask. I tried to call out for him but I couldn't,  I felt in my mouth, my tongue was cut out. As I was contemplating this horror, Roman began dancing in black ballet shoes. 

As soon as I saw that I began to laugh it was silly and bizarre. Then it turned sour. The house began to push in on me, hands grabbed at me tightly,  screaming the most terrible of things. Begging me. 

Signed Lo


	15. 2/16/01

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I was barely lucide. Joan gave me a cold medicine which caused me to be loopy. Today I faked swallowing the horrid drug and am hiding it well. They don't know how I feel if I don't tell them.

Though I wish it wasn't so hot or hard to breath. My nose is full of mucus and I'm forced to inhale through my scratchy throat. I try to clear my nose but the mucus won't stay gone long.

I had to take a break till they were asleep. I don't know how those people in the movies do it, acting is so hard. Pretending to be fragile, loopy, and all that. Especially when Patton decided he'd read to me. I can read fine and fast on my own but he's so slow. If I had any strength I'd have hit him again. 

It infuriates me. Especially with them always with him helping and lying to him for comfort. Why does an idiot like him get all the attention? I'm smart, I'm clever, topping my class, I won a science fair. He's just a complacent, emotionally unwounded, suck up. He's the perfect child in the worst ways, maybe if I didn't respect myself enough I'd be that. 

Signed Logan


	16. 2/17/01

Dear Journal,

My affliction seems to be letting up, though they still try to make me take the medicine. I still keep on a fake act of nonsense and incoherentness. While the others were visiting and I was pretending to sleep I heard someone whisper something that stuck out to me. The words are those I'm used to, "This is your karma for harming Patton." It's a dull, untrue statement but the voice.

It sounded almost like Virgils but distorted, like when Des plays with the radio antenna. It's probably just be being almost asleep but it felt. off. I decided to "wake" and I stupidly thought I saw a man above Virgil.

I guess I don't have much else to write about. Oh yes I do now. I just received a gift, a small stuffed fabric butterfly.  
Signed Logan

It's soft even though it is no where near looking realist. I think I will keep it, maybe them giving me my own plush is a sign I'll stay.

I hope.

Farewell truly, Logan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The curious mouse  
> The screaming house
> 
> He enters in blind  
> But he will soon find
> 
> It doesn't like the keen  
> It isn't cruel and it isn't mean
> 
> He scribbles madly   
> He's been hurt badly
> 
> They suffer the most   
> Those who see


	17. 10/03/01

Dear Journal,

I apologize for taking a week off writing in you. After that Note, I admit I was terrified of writing and someone leaving those notes.

But it's alright now, not much has happened in this short week. The man who ■■■■■■■■ that young child was caught and sent to prison. Apparently the imbesile tried to attack a kid with a dog. Dogs are loyal, I've always wanted one but have never stayed anywhere long enough. 

Yesterday me and Virgil got caught by Roman watching a horror movie. Apparently we are banned from them because "they warp your mind." I don't care to be honest, I mean about the mind warping, I much enjoy the movies and don't like being banned.

Luckily Virgil's Collection is hidden, and so is his money. We plan on going to the theater later this month to see a horror movie. Virgil feels like the only family I truly hold, I will miss him. I know they'll get rid of me soon, they probably believe I convinced him to watch those movies or that I'm the reason why Roman isn't sleeping well. I've had more absurd things blamed on me.

"We're out of ketchup, It's all Logan's fault." - Minnie Redfeild  
"The Dog ate my sandwich, it's Logan's fault he didn't stop her." -Mr. Smith  
"Logan stole my homework that's why I didn't turn it in."- Dawn, can't remember her last name  
"I'm starving because Logan packed more to eat than my stupid snot nosed self." I may have embellished a little on that one, but that boy was dumb!

Signed, Logan


	18. 10/4/01

Dear Journal,

It's not been a week. My memory has a gap, a very big gap. I can't exactly remember why.

I know what to do, I'll ask everyone and collect accounts of the months, that should aide my mind. I'll write what I learn below.

Here's what I gathered:

I have been acting odd for the months before my last account. Apparently my oddity was I didn't speak for a while and I stayed out alone for hours. Roman is avoiding me, everyone has noted it. On the fact I've been staying out, I had never once left the beautiful property. Until the night before yesterday, we went out for a family dinner.

I worry my mind is slipping and that scares me, scares me a lot. I don't want to be confined to a white room, brain fogging and slowly loosing.  
This isn't what I need to think about. I probably shouldn't worry unless these memory gaps continue.

Signed Logan


	19. 10/5/01

Dear Journal, 

I haven't lost anymore memory. As we both can tell by the date displayed. I can recall the full day, events occurred as such.

*I woke up  
*I took a shower  
*got dressed  
*went downstairs  
*sat at the table  
*was served a breakfast sandwich by Thomas  
*ate said sandwich, all parts except the disgusting egg  
*cleaned my plate  
*read my favorite book series   
*played Uno against them and won  
*ate lunch, turkey pinwheels, a Capri sun, and an apple  
*defended my samples from Des  
*worked on those samples

And I'm currently writing in you, this day is so boring I won't need to update.

Signed Logan


	20. 10/6/01

Dear diary,

I don't know how but my room door was locked. Logically I assumed it had been Romans doing, but upon calling for him, he appeared from downstairs. My best guess, due to the lock is someone used a coin to lock the door. Probably an attempt to prank Roman, because despite his love of theater he is a terrible liar. And he was as very obviously confused as well as I.

Another conclusion I could have would be memory loss but once again I remember everything, and spent the entire day clothes shopping. Halfway through we went to get lunch at a restaurant, Des cried because he couldn't have chicken nuggets. I don't understand how he's put up with. He's a child, and annoying as nails on chalkboards. He's probably the one who locked my door. 

No he lacks mental power, anyway I've finished for tonight, I'm going to sneak downstairs for some of the "hidden" Halloween candy.

Signed, Logan


	21. 10/7/01

Dear Journal,

I think I have gained myself a sugar addiction. This morning I found myself in my bed sorrounded by wrappers. Luckily I'm innovative and quickly hid them in Pattons stuffed cat so I wouldn't get in trouble. Downside is that Patton is now downstairs wailing because he's being punished.

I hate his sobbing voice, but it's so worth it. I don't want you gone again and with him in trouble, I'm free to spend time with Virgil. He's a little sad though, I don't much like it. I wish I was as important to him as Patton. But I can't, I'm going to move soon, it's making me antsy. Knowing I'll be moved but not knowing when. I hope it's after me and Virgil see the movie, his heart is dead set on it. It would be awful to disapoint my brother. He is my brother. I'm his.

Signed, Logan


	22. 10/8/01

Dear journal, 

This morning after breakfast I went to brush my teeth. But upon scrubbing, after adding water, I found my toothbrush covered in soap. MY best guess to the culprit is Patton. He must have found me out and tried to get retribution by poisoning me. I'm unsure of the side effects, I just hope they aren't leathel. If they are, I'm unsure, I don't know how to feel about death. I've planned most of my life but it constantly is derailed, at this point I'm not sure what my life is. Listen to me, I'm 11 and already discussing death, I am in perfect condition and am unlikely to die.

Moving on to the rest of the day, I helped clean in the kitchen and was given a piece of candy. Probably positive reinforcement to train me towards normality. It was incredibly delicious, I wish I could have candy all the time, despite of the health risks. Though people do constantly eat McDonalds without a single actual piece of healthy food in their diet.

Never mind, very bad example, I don't want to end up like that bloated creature from The Thing or a waterbed of flesh. I've made myself sick at this thought, I'm going to leave it here

Signed, Logan


	23. 10/9/01

Dear Journal,

Memories are so fascinating, human's are said to not develop memories until they are five. Maybe people just don't remember because they have nothing to remind them. Before my parents left me, they used to talk all the time about the time I broke my arm. From their view, me and my older sister were messing around on the stairs and we both slipped, she managed a hand stand, I manged a broken arm. From my view however, I was conducting an experiment. I wanted to know what happened if she fell down the stairs, so I pushed her. She grabbed onto me for balance and we both fell. I admit it scares me, I love science but it should never be at the cost of a human's life. She most likely would have lived but she was only 7, still frail. But that was when I was 3 before I had morals, I've grown.

On memories, today I followed Patton outside as he had been acting strangely. So I watched him as he snuck off to the nearby cemetery, going to a grave stone. I expected to find something interesting, like his history, his parents, and all that. He was mourning a dog. I feel it's not worth the time, but still I decided to comfort him. He was reluctant but accepted, it made me feel nice that he was relying on me for a sense of comfort. He's not as bad as I initially thought, he's still an annoying snot ridden child. But he's better, he cries loudly and I understand he can't help it, the best part is my chest muffles it. His hair was also incredibly soft, I pet it in reassurance and I couldn't stop. The feeling was much akin to the satisfaction from petting a cat. I had a cat once, well he lived near the house, I called him Newton and fed him scraps from the fridge. He was a brown tabby and had the softest fur after I had washed him. 

It was in the early days and they didn't let me take him. I hope he is ok, he probably died because of my removal from the house. No, he's strong, he'd survive. 

Goodnight, Logan


	24. 10/10/01

Dear Journal,

After my comfort of Patton I have found myself addicted to petting his hair. I attempted to replace it with Virgil's but it wasn't as soft, then I attempted other materials but nothing compares. Now I have found myself enjoying time with him, as I pet and make little braids in his hair. As I said, I'm addicted. I even managed to sit through one of his rambling stories during lunch. Even with salad stuck in his teeth I felt comfortable.

On a different note, Virgil has informed me of the movie we will be seeing. It's a ghost movie called Thirteen Ghosts. He gave me a run down on the plot and though the premise seems ridiculous, I'm eager to see it. Virgil makes me eager to do a lot of things I don't normally enjoy, just like the calming effects of Patton's hair. On Movies, well actually it's more just about acting, Roman got a role in a commercial for a department store. This wouldn't be a big deal if he weren't squealing about it and annoying my ears, it's agonizing. I want to swat him over the head with his foam sword. Luckily everyone except Des shares my sentiment, they're all annoyed with his loud mouth. It's nice to feel part of the mass. 

Goodnight, Logan


	25. 10/11/01

Dear Journal,

Last night and these morning was hell on earth. I awoke, still half and dreaming, my brain hurting and my breathing fast. It hurt so much to try to breath that I almost immediately woke. After that I tried to go back to sleep, it normally helps with my headaches, but the headache got worse and my breathing hard. So I took all I could and stumbled to the bathroom, that seemed to aide in getting rid of my headache. I tried to sleep again to the same effect as before. After a while Joan found me and took me to take some headache medicine. That went even worse, my stomach became tight and I emptied my stomach into the toilet, around 4 times. It hurt a lot and tasted awful, but at least in the light my headache left. Then Joan allowed me to sit on the couch, watching the nature channel until my brothers woke up. 

The rest of the day was nice, my stomach ache faded away and I was able to eat some cheerios. No one asked why I was up so early, which makes me glad. I don't have much else to write about, the day was boring.

Goodbye for now, Logan


	26. 10/27/01

Dear Journal,

It has just turned to midnight so my writings fit here. I've had more strange nightmares, mostly involving me being torn apart or mangled in some way. But the blood and the stench and oh the tears. I can still smell it, or maybe it's the blood on my hands. I did kill them after all, maybe this subtle madness is all I deserve. Or this is my own mind punishing me for giving up and playing along with the family. Either way it's my fault.

My fault My fault 

MY fA u T  


I killed them all  
**YoU kiLleb everyone**


	27. the proceedings of 10/12/01 to 10/26/01

Dear Journal,

I forgot again. Why do I keep forgetting. Maybe I've always had memory problems and this book is just driving me towards insanity. Reminding me of everytime I forget. I managed to scavenge important events from the others. 

*we got a puppy but it died shortly after, No one will tell me how.

* Des lost a tooth, he was very proud of the fact.

*Virgil has said I've been avoiding him and spending a lot more time with Roman.

*I'm not allowed to pet Patton anymore, I pulled out his hair.

This seems too little for such a wide span. But it's all I could gather, if I find anything I'll update. 

Signed, Logan


	28. 10/28/01

Dear Journal,

Me and Virgil managed to get to the movie. Things were much more concerning in the darkness, especially since I idiotically forgot that theaters are cold. Luckily Virgil gave me his hoodie and when he got cold I sat on his lap and we hugged in that seat. The noises were loud and me and Virgil jumped a lot, but it was the best experience I've ever had. Afterwards we waited for our ride and talked about the movie.

Today was a good day. That's all.

Signed, Logan


	29. 10/29/01

Dear Journal,

Halloween is fast approaching, everyone is preparing for the day. Most of the family has bought costumes, except Roman and I. I'm not into Halloween, I just never have been. Something about going out to random peoples house and begging for candy doesn't sit right with me. Something just doesn't feel right, but at least I'll have the house alone.

I should be talking about today and it's events. I learned that Patton has an artistic gift, though it makes sense with being as old as he is. I personally can't draw well to save my life but I am purely 10, he is 15. 

Anyway he drew me a picture of a moth after he noticed one of the specimens that I had caught. I'm going to keep it forever, the drawing not the specimen.

Signed Logan


	30. 10/30/01

Dear Journal,

I messed everything up again. I forgot that I wasn't supposed to be happy, I'm supposed to be punished, never happy. That's why I get tossed about and am the worst in a room, I am a punishment. But I forgot and I ruined everything.

I should probably retrace the day to explain. The event started when I became to comfortable with my sneaking off with Virgil, we were found today. This was followed by prompt punishment, and my not deserved retaliation or my fit. I ended up ruining my gifts somewhere in my blind range and I ruined everything I built. I have no idea why I began that fit, I was just suddenly so mad and I needed to let it out, and I did. At least I don't have to room with Roman anymore. They grounded me and locked me away, I feel reminded of the tale of Rapunzel though I am not being punished for my parents sins, why would I? They were saints. Maybe if I sit here long enough my hair will reach out the window and I can climb free or someone will climb in and deliver forgiveness. Most likely I'd die before my hair grew that long, if hair really does grow after death it can still happen. 

But I won't die in here, they aren't cruel they never were. I'll be off of my punishment in a week but I will still wake alone long after that. I deserve it anyway.

Signed, No one


	31. 10/31/01

Dear Diary,

I shouldn't have been left alone, I found something in my closet and I don't know if it's real. While I was reading one of my books I glanced over at the closet and saw something tall I think and black with a face. I think it had a face, I could only see a whiteish area where I think a face would be. I don't know if it was real or a true sign of my madness but it scared me. I was so estatic when they came back that I forgot about my punishment. 

So of course they repremand me, but if they had known I had been stalked by a tall closet man they'd have more sympathy. Or they'd send me off to one of those ass high looms or loony bins. I think that's where I belong if this journal is any indication.

I stopped writing because Virgil snuck in to spend time with me, he's still my friend and not mad at me. He also knew I'd get bored and lonely so he gave me his game boy color and a few of his favorite games. I think distraction is what I need to take my mind off that thing, Virgil knows that too even though I didn't tell him about it. Virgil is so smart, I'm glad he's my brother for now. 

Goodnight, Logan


	32. 11/1/01

Dear Diary, 

Virgil's games have kept me occupied well, and Patton has been passing notes to me. He says that he's mad about what I did to my gifts but that I don't deserve to be alone. I wish I was allowed outside but I need to wait a week, which sucks because I want to pick up more moths to study and try that thing where we stick pins in them and they stay on the wall. I know I could go downstairs but I know no one wants to see me after my fit, even Patton and Virgil. 

It's clear as day when I go down to meals, everyone is quite and the adults seem so weary around me. I guess they think I'll snap again, I am emotionally unstable and a bear trap. Well figuratively, meaning that I can be set off and snap at the lightest touch, not literally since I am able to write and have coherent thoughts.

I just saw it again, I was walking down the hall and I glanced at the stairwell to see it standing there, it shook me to it's core and when I blinked it was moving up the stairs. I'm not going up, I'll sleep in the bathroom with the locks. No if I do that it will kill them, I'm not going to be like those kids in the movie bringing the darkness upon the family, I'll fight it. I'll update after that.

 

Signed, Logan


	33. 11/2/01

Dear Journal, 

The things didn't go as I planned, it wasn't anywhere upstairs and everyone was asleep and alive. When I went into Thomas' room he had woken up and assumed I had some sort of nightmare and allowed me to sleep in bed with him. It reminded me of my sister and I when we were younger, we'd share a bed whenever we had bad dreams. That was nice but her arms and cuddles were softer than Thomas' even though he can't help it. 

I had the best sleep ever, free from my weird dream's and waking up warmer than usual, I guess sleeping alone makes the world cold. It clicks easily after I write it and now I feel stupid. Someone opened my window through the night I won


	34. 11/3/01

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Mi pequeña mosca!
> 
> _Es bueno ver tu despertar, cuando me ves y las cosas no se asustan. Incluso cuando los escuches y escuches, te prometo que pasará muy pronto._  
>  __  
> _También me divertí ayer, perdón por los rasguños en tu estómago, eres un niño muy huesudo. ;D_  
> 

Dear Journal, 

Today I turn 11. I was reminded of this when I awoke to a note sticking out of my journal immediately grabbing my interest. I think it was from Roman based on the Spanish. But it could be Patton based on the hand writing and blue marker. 

Huh my stomach is bleeding a bit, I must have scratched it up on something yesterday when I, what did I do? Oh yeah I left the window open to catch air and a cat came in and scratched me. Patton wanted to keep it but we couldn't since he's allergic, then I ate breakfast. That is exactly what happened, a regular day of spending it inside and grounded, but anyway I should head down, Birthday's are a big deal in this household and I bet they don't want me fitting again.

That was surprisingly fun. They decided to temporarily unground me to give me an "Unforgettable" birthday and I think it worked, it was so new and interesting that I don't think I'll forget it anytime soon. They piled us all up into the car and first took us to the nature preserve to allow me to see the more exotic wild life within the compounds and the small museum. Then we went home and had lunch together, that was typical and not much to write about. Dinner was really good though we made burgers and sausages together and they made me a jam cake. They did all the traditional birthday festivities, singing, candle blowing, and presents. I got a few cards from my brothers, science books from my guardians, and Roman resewed my plush and gave it back to me. I just had to hug him even though he got tense. I know I'm intimidating with my fits but it hurt a little on the inside. I didn't bring it up so to not ruin the mood of everyone. 

After cake everyone was a little jumpy so we watched some old cartoons we had recorded then we all retired to our rooms. I'm going to sleep now, I wish myself my own sweet dreams. 

Signed, Logan


	35. 11/4/01

Dear journal, 

This morning something strange happened, I was leaving my room and after I had closed the door I saw a cat walking into Des' room across the hall. It's golden fur still clear in mind, every detail stuck in my mind. The thing is the door was closed, I watched a cat walk through a door and Des gave me a strange look when I inquired about the cat.

Thinking about it now IF there had been a cat, Patton would have has an allergic reaction. I remember Virgil telling me about his severe allergy at some point. I'll make sure to wait wait if a cat has climbed in my window that night Patton would have had an allergic reaction. I remembered him being there, Now am I not only forgetting but I'm remembering wrong.

Moving on from that The day was pretty boring, I went back to being grounded and spending the day inside. Atleast that's what I remembered, but I can't trust that now.

Signed, Logan


	36. Chapter 36

Nature is beautiful  
Listen to the jay's sing

Nature is beautiful  
See what the blossoms bring

Nature is beautiful  
Watch the doe leap

Nature is beautiful  
Oblivious to the wolf creep

Nature is beautiful  
She noticed too late

Nature is beautiful  
His jaws sealed her fate

Nature is beautiful  
The doe is gone, the wolf alive

Nature is beautiful  
Her bones allow the weeds to thrive

Nature is beautiful  
Maggots make home in what remains

Nature is beautiful  
Everything she took the forest reclaims

Nature is beautiful  
The cycle starts anew 

Nature is beautiful  
Look how the sky shines blue

Nature is beautiful  
You are in the cycle too

Nature is beautiful  
You will see the end too


	37. 11/5/01

Dear Journal, 

Patton is scaring me. That note is obviously a vague threat and him writing in my private journal is him showing me that no where in the house is safe. I'm going to run away, it's the only reasonable escape. 

I'll pack up now and leave tonight, hopefully i'll make it free before he gets me. I better seal up my journal until I get out, I can't have him finding my plan.

 

I've made it out, I'm currently hiding in the neighbors treehouse. It's so stormy and cold outside, not even my jacket can keep me warm. The wood is soaked and dripping all over me. At least my journal is covered, this old blanket I found ensures that. 

 

Goodnight, Logan


	38. 11/6/01

Dear Journal, 

This morning I was chased from the tree house. Treated like a filthy racoon digging in their garbage. They are such horrid people no wonder I never see people visit them, well except for those Jovahs Witness people and Morons. I bet if they didn't have to hit every house they'd skip the neighbors. I'm being as Virgil says 'Salty' mostly because I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday. I should have brought food with me, I am stupid sometimes. I think I'm going to make my way to the park, I could try some Yogi Bear like schemes and steal peoples picnics, no no I'll get caught. I'll probably try berries, I saw a lot growing in the woods by the park.

I'll stay at the park, that is the safest place. No one will find me, especially if I disguise myself, I've already disguarded my glasses. I only need them to see up close so it's better to shed my old identity.

I'll get their late in the night.

Signed, Logan


	39. 11/7/01

Dear Journal,

Last night I made it to the park, I didn't expect walking in the dark to be so hard, I tripped so much and had to wrap my hands and legs in leaves. Even as I write this my hands sting badly because they're so scrapped up. My idea about the berries were on point, there are plenty of trees too, ones with berries and fruits. 

I've gotten hungry so I'm going to try the berries, here's to hoping I live to see another sunrise.

Red berries, bad, god my stomach hurts, It hurts so bad. I vomited but it still hurt, I need help I need it. No one wants to, they're looking at us sympathetically but they won't help, they are terrible

Si


	40. 1/1/02

Dear Journal,

It seemed I poisoned myself, I'm lucky I didn't eat so many or else I'd be well.. I've been in the hospital so that's why I haven't updated. 

The hospital was awful, there were so many people there, people would come and visit me even when visiting hours were over. Most of the time they wouldn't talk. There was a nice old lady who would tell me about her granddaughter, apparently she was a patient too, I missed her when I left too bad I didn't get to say goodbye.

Christmas was nice, I got a new journal and lots of small toys and knick knacks. Oh I'm still on house arrest, though I can leave but only with the adults and more than one of my siblings. It's nice though, I don't like being alone anymore, that black cloak man comes when I'm alone.

I'm going to go play downstairs, if anything happens I'll update. 

I just discovered my favorite food, my parents brought home a new jam type so for our sandwiches. It was incredible, heaven in my mouth and it blended amazingly with the peanut butter in my sandwich. I think I found a new addiction. 

Signed, Logan


	41. 1/2/02

Dear journal,

This morning I awoke to the lady from the hospital in my room, she was petting my head but then she faded when I fully woke. Probably a strange dream. I got up and had some chocolate waffles, I made extra since Des since he was the first one awake. Though I don't really like him he's ok in the morning, much much less hyper. After I finished up I washed my plate and went to reading one of my new books. Patton sat beside me, he didn't know anything about the note and even though I don't trust him, I don't want to stir drama in the house.

He then asked me to read to him. I politely declined and he accepted that and left. I like these new nice causal days. I think this is the longest I've stayed around in a household. And this is the first time I've felt that I belonged, even though Des and Roman don't exactly like me I enjoy being here with them. 

Nothing much else happened today.

Signed, Logan


	42. 1/3/02

Dear Journal,

Today I'm going to try to build a relationship with Roman. A positive one because ours now is what would be a good word.. I know, shitty. Virgil taught me that word, it means well terrible. It's a weird word, but all words are. I'm going to write tonight after things hopefully go well. 

That went.... well enough, me and Roman played a childish prince game and watched movies. I tried to converse but we had nothing in common, but he ignored it. He talked only about himself and what he liked and ignored anything I liked. I don't like him.

Goodnight, Logan


	43. 1/4/02

Dear Journal,

Today I'll be working on my relationship with the youngest. Roman may have been a failure but I hope nothing will go wrong. Actually that's a terrible idea, much like Roman, Des and I have nothing in common. Two out of four is still a good number though, I should maintain my relationships. 

I smell amazing food, I'm abandoning you to eat.

I was right, the food was amazing and way better than the holly berries. Something else just happened, There was a boy standing in my corner, back to me. He looked so small and dirty, but like the cat and the black man he faded so fast. Should I tell someone? I don't want to be locked in white.

No I won't tell anyone, I'll forget about this and go play with Virgil and Patton. 

 

Signed, Logan


	44. 1/5/02

Dear Journal, 

Today we got a strange letter in the mail, ever since then the adults and Roman have been very quite. I don't know what's going on but I'm going to snatch that letter before they shred it. Virgil has also started acting weird, he seems... gloomy. I need to know, I'm going for that letter. 

Jesus Christ, it turns out Roman isn't an only child. The letter basically said that Roman's brother, Remus Pendra, has recently been deemed acceptable to leave the Glory Summer's Home for The Mentally Unique. They want to know if our guardians were able to take him in so the transition was easier, with his brother being here and all. For some reason I hope he doesn't come to live here, the idea of someone from a mental house coming here scares me. 

Or maybe it's the fact that if they have another crazy I will be... removed. No they wouldn't, they're nice and I'm a parasite clinging to them. 

I'm going to bed and not think about this, the shadowy man likes it, I saw him clapping

Goodnight, Logan


	45. 1/6/02

Dear Journal,

They have made their decision. The adults have hosted a family meeting and told us we'll be getting a new brother and to "be nice to him" because "He's not fully adjusted". I honestly feel bad, it seems to upset Roman and I can't imagine what could happen to Remus to make him mad enough to be locked away. Also why is Roman here while Remus is in there, it makes no sense to me. 

Nevermind Roman clarified it for us. I'm going to transcribe it 

Roman: I have a brother, and well we didn't have the best parents. They would do bad things to us (Roman and Remus) lock us in the closet, forget to feed us, and they didn't bathe us.

Virgil: Why are you here while he was somewhere else? and why'd they describe him as not really adjusted?

Roman: my bio parents liked hurting him more, I don't know why but they did and it hurt him much more. So he had to go live somewhere else

That's all that's important, I wonder what he'll be like. The shadowy man seems happy, he's staying longer. 

Signed, Logan


	46. 1/7/02

Dear Journal,

Everyone is antsy about Remus' arrival. They're preparing him a bed, getting him a place mat and some toys. It makes me wonder if they went through all of this when they knew I was coming. Well I know the bed and place mat were made and I wasn't bought any toys.

I should also mention that I'm going to be sharing my bedroom with Patton now. They think it'll be better for Remus to sleep alone for now and since I'm not as much as an issue anymore I am bunking with Patton. I'm honestly curios as to why I'm not sharing with Virgil since we connect so deeply. It's probably something to do with the pills he takes every night.

I've had an idea, cruel but I want to know. I want to know their stories, where they came from, what made my brothers tick. Cruel as it is, Someone needs to know these. 

Signed Logan


	47. 1/8/02

Dear Journal,

There is so little on everyone, best I could find was an article on Roman's parents being arrested. There's nothing on Patton, Des, or Virgil, which is highly inconvenient. They won't tell me soon, at least I assume so, I personally don't want to talk so it would make sense that they wouldn't either.

I'm a hypocrite. I don't want them to know my past yet I force them to share with me without their knowledge. I'm being awful, I was right, this is cruel. i'll leave it alone but I need to remember what I know. 

 

*Roman Remus

* abusive parents 

*locked in closet

*thought to be dead

*parents life sentance

Signed, Logan


	48. 1/9/02

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow Remus comes and everyone continues to be antsy. At least with them running about they hardly notice when I slip out to look at the bugs. I made friends with a worm who I put into the compost, I'm going to name him Worm, it's practical and doesn't sound childish. Worms are so interesting, as all bugs are. They are the most useful part of the earth, cleaning waste and building life. Anyway I better get inside before I'm noticed.

The adults didn't notice, Virgil did, but he doesn't tattle. I'm a little surprised the shadowy man hasn't shown up today, maybe he's finally gone and it's calmer.

No it's not, I thought the house was on fire, I swore I smelt smoke, now everyone is mad, but i Smelt it. I'm grounded for tonight because I apparently cried wolf, which is wrong, I screamed fire. I thought I saw it to, the house looked scorched. 

Signed, a disgruntled Logan


	49. 1/10/02

Dear Journal,

Remus is... I have no possible words to describe him. No actually I have multiple words, mad, creepy, and loud. He's loud, so so loud. He'll just scream random words at points and he'll never stay still. I found the best word for him, a headache.

I know he had a bad past but i'll never let that be an excuse. Everyone here has clearly had a bad past to end up here and that will never excuse them. Though I guess he **IS** Roman's brother and Roman is a head ache as well. But to be honest, I prefer Roman and his much less sinister actions. Remus keeps glancing at me weirdly, wish I knew why so he would stop. 

I am tired so i'll be taking a nap.

Bad bad idea, I awoke being unable to breath and when I opened my eyes I found Remus strangling me. By my luck I was able to kick him off and scream for help. In my delerium I saw a little girl standing where Remus was. But he was put into his room and now I am fearful for my life. That's why he was staring, he wanted to kill me. I don't know why but apparently I am the best punching bag in the world. Everytime I pass his door I can hear his saying things that only prove how crazy he is. "Get out of me." "Someone help me!" "Help." I wish we left him in the ass-i-loom.

Signed, Logan


	50. 1/11/02

Dear Journal,

Remus apologized. Through the door of course, but he did. He said he barely remembers doing it, but that's probably lies. Actually how was it I remembered nothing for months. I hate how he resembles me, He's not me, I'm not that. No way.

Moving on, I'm no longer allowed to keep spiders because it turns out Patton has arachnophobia. Which is a ridiculous name for the soul fear of spiders. It's fear of spiders not fear of arachnids, Patton doesn't even know what a scorpion is, he's not even afraid of ticks. The naming convention makes sense to most people because they assume that spiders are the only arachnid. But it was scientists who named the phobia, how could they be so stupid to only include the largest class in said fear. it should be called Araneaephobia, because that is what spiders are, just a subspecies of Arachnids, not the whole species. 

It's like the idiots who say Moth's are just fuzzy butterflies. Not all moths are fuzzy and that's an over generalization taking away from the interesting facts of both's purpose in the animal kingdom. Both are used for pollination but Moth's are used for an easy way to tell of change in habitats and they make silk. Though I think the silk practice is rather cruel since through hundreds of years of domestication they are basically numb producers of silk and eggs.They only last 5 to 10 days. Or they aren't allowed to live and are boiled alive so we get to have clothes. Something only humans would dream up, turning a beautiful moth and it's gift into tools to be used and played with as human's so see fit. 

At least most species are free. I love them landing on me, I won't catch them because they should be free and flying. They're so beautiful. Much more than butterflies. Beetles are second to me followed by spiders. I hope a spider bites me, I want to experience venom first hand. Though many do not have venom nor the intention to harm humans. They get too bad of a reputation, they're just defending your land. 

I love talking about insects.  
Signed, Logan


	51. 1/13/02

Dear Journal, 

I'm allowed to stroke Patton's hair again, still so soft and comforting. I skipped on yesterday because I lost you. I know that really, but maybe my brain is still forgetting and the fact I am having trouble sleeping isn't helping. 

A new interesting problem, I couldn't sleep yesterday night or last night. Sometimes when I'm about to fall asleep I hear moving or someone walking around. And after the instance with Remus, I am scared to fall asleep with someone walking around. At least Patton makes things a little better, he's a quite sleeper and he's taken to giving me his stuffed animal toys. And now Virgil is coming in here so It's never just him and Patton. I still get alone time when we sneak off to watch horror movies.

Actually that is probably why I'm not sleeping. But it's much easier to blame something I don't like than what I like.

Signed, Logan


	52. 1/14/02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Virgil, 
> 
> I wanted to share everything with you. You have been there for me and are like true family.
> 
> So I want to share what landed me here. You shared with me about your family so I'm sharing mine. 
> 
> One year, Seven months, Twelve days, Thirteen hours, and 26 minutes from the last time I looked at a clock is when this happened. Me, My sister, My mother, and My father were driving to an amusement park for our vacation. I had my window rolled down because the wind on my face always calmed me. My Father was driving, my sister was drawing in the coloring book she just got. I don't remember the specifics but someone crashed into us, luckily the car flipped upside down and I was able to climb out. No one else was luckily but I just left... I don't know why but I walked away, my whole family died and well here I am.
> 
> Signed, Logan

Dear Journal, 

I feel so tired, it's probably due to the lack of sleep or my weird dreams. Or the fact that Remus is out of his room, I just don't trust him. I tried locking the door last night but I got a stern talking to in the morning. They should get it, they just don't. Adults are

I just heard screaming, I think it's in my head, god it hurt so bad. No one else is reacting, except Virgil except he was asking me if I'm ok. I did, he probably doesn't buy it but I'm just tired. Ya that was all it was, just tired illusions. Just like the shadow man, I only saw him when I was pretty tired so he's just a thing made up in my messy mind. 

I think, to show Virgil that I truly trust him I'm going to write him a note, telling him everything about my past. He did it to me so I think I should share it, just let my brother be there for me.

Signed, Logan


	53. 1/15/02

Dear Journal,

For a lack of a better term, I feel like shit. I don't know when and how but I've injured my foot, it hurts and I'm too tired to deal with it. Breakfast was awful too. Not the food, amazing as always, but I could barely eat despite my grumbling stomach. So in short I hate myself today. well my body but whatever. 

I've also been crying because reason be damnd I am. I'd normally talk to a adult but everyone is busy, with what, no clue.

It's just the morning so hopefully it will get beter.

Lucky me it somehow let up, my stomach and my emotions I mean. My foot still hurts like a birch without any cause. Isn't this just dandy? I hope when I read back on this later, when my foot is ok, that i'll be laughing and jumping about. No even after such an event I wouldn't do such. I'm not a kid.

Signed, Logan a past from the blast


	54. 1/16/02

Dear Journal, 

I'm feeling better from yesterday but my foot still hurts a lot. I told Virgil about it and he made me put ice in my sock. I know he's worried but it is way too cold. Though it sucks when the ice wets my sock, it's like the time I wasn't allowed to use the dryer and had wet clothes for a while. That was awful, especially at school. Though I made sure I moved from there soon, I may or may not have purposely took the alcohol that the old aunt lady drank all the time. Ya do what you got to do.

Anyway Remus is out and he's trying to be nice to me, but I still don't like nor trust him. He's strangely become good friends with Patton, though they're never left alone. I kinda, only slightly, maybe a little too much, wish Remus would have been sent back to the ass-i-loom. I know he probably doesn't deserve it and all but he scares me. He is loud and scary and tall. He has the longest legs, Roman is regular sized but Remus must be at least 7 feet tall. If he wasn't Roman's flesh and blood I'd think he were some evil creature or cryptic something. 

Oh and he's joined out horror movie club... (Sarcastic tone) Great (Sarcastic tone ended) He's getting along with people better than I did, even though he's a scary, loud mess. Tonight we're going to watch The Sixth Sense and a semi obscure film called "Wendigo". The first one looked really interesting when we found it in the mud outside. Despite being out there for while the disc was in fine condition. The second one was in the bargain bin at the video store, right next to Toy story, which we bought for Patton. 

The movies were interesting, I liked The Sixth Sense better but Wendigo was interesting. It was about one of those cryptic things, well named the Wendigo. Remus tried to be silent all the time but I don't think he physically can. He moved weirdly and would giggle at times or just bark random words. Anyway I feel my eyelids drooping and the sooner I try to get to sleep the less likely I am to get attacked by dark monsters or whatever.

Goodnight, from Logan


	55. 1/17/01

Dear Journal, 

I'm going to _try_ to make friendly with Remus. I feel it will make the whole family dynamic strange if we do not get along. Virgil told me about how it was hard for him to feel fully accepted when he felt awkward and tense around Roman. It may be for purely selfish reasons but I will make piece with the past. He didn't really hurt me, well he did bruise my neck a little, but as I've read emotional wounds and scars are much more hurtful. Which I don't get, feelings are a concept not a tangible object, how can they be hurt? Actually scarring is even more confusing, it's more of an impact of perception than scarring of feelings. If a child is burnt because they put their hand on the stove, going off the assumption that they had no prior conflict or negativity to the stove, they will be hurt and their perception of reality will shift to fit the new idea. 

Going off of that, ~~if~~ when someone is hurt in their emotions they will shift their perception. For an example if hypothetically someone was to watch their entire family be murdered before their eyes. They would have a hard time loving, if it were done by a stranger or a certain type of person, they would have apprehensions around that group of people. If it were done by a close friend you trusted, you would develop trust issues. 

I'm going to try talking with Remus at lunch, you know how this ends future myself. I hope your smiling in some knowing nostalgic way, like they do in movies.

That was an astounding success, I tried talking at first but it's hard to figure him out, so I just started reading. He interrupted me, normally I would have hated him for such but he solved my problem for me. He began talking about the spider on the book cover, the Chilean Recluse. He talked about the effects of the venom, he IS smart enough to comprehend the difference, I loved hearing about this, flipping deep in my book to fact check him. It was fun, he likes insects too, though he says Spiders are his favorite. I may or may not have schooled him calmly on the difference between arachnids and insects. 

Today has been good, the shadowy man is back, he likes standing in the corners. It's ironic, me and Remus were discussing Chilean Reclueses, known also as Corner Spiders. And here he is, huddled in a corner, waving at me when I make eye contact. 

Signed, a tired Logan


	56. 1/18/02

Dear Journal,

Not sleeping has really taken it's toll on me. Last night when I was trying to sleep I heard someone walk across the room, to my bed. I heard them breathing above me and felt my leg touch something. But when I opened my eyes up there was no one there. I wish I could sleep easier. Actually right now that goal is just to sleep. It's 7 am and I haven't slept at all, sure that leg touch thing scared me, but I'm used to crazy things. I just am tired I guess. I'm going to go down to breakfast. 

Food was so revealing. What was nt was the worried looks I got. I'm going to try to nap. Hope Remusdoesn't strangle me.

Roman is too loud, I tried and tried to sleep and he was singing his awful songs even when I politely asked he didn't stop.He did however when I yelled at him to shut up. Virgil gave me a fist bump for that and I still couldn't sleep. So I'm just gojng to play with puzzles.

Puzzles was nice, except for when the pieces kept vanishing. Sometimes this house just irritates me.

Signed, Logan


	57. 1/19/02

Dear journal,

Something strange occurred last night, I'm still reeling from it. I was reading one of my favorite books when suddenly the pages were covered. I blinked and the shade stayed for a little but it faded. My half asleep delusions are going to drive me mad. No matter how hard I try to, I just can't fall asleep anymore. I want to cry so bad and just scream into exhaustion. No I'm already exhausted, I want to fall into a deep deep sleep.

Everyone is jumpy around me again, probably because I'm tired and irritable but whet ever. Puzzles and books are my only friends right now. even Virgil annoys me now, sometimes, maybe an exaggeration, he is still calming and joy bringing. Maybe if I borrow his hoodie i'll fall asleep, he always seems so comfy in them. 

I'm going to ask and if he says no, I'll snatch itup.

Success, I managed to get his hoodie, with his agreement and I hope soon I'll fall asleep, I'm going to try, if I write anymore you'll know what happened.

 

 

 

Signed, Logan


	58. 1/20/02

Dear Journal,

It worked, my baseless theory was correct. I was able to get a full night's rest while donning Virgil's prized hoodie. I'll have to ask the adults to buy me one of these so I can ensure I sleep well. I need to go out now. Remus, Virgil, and I are going to bike down to another park, not the one I was nearly poisoned in.

Remus is a terrible biker, we just arrived at the park and he was wobbling about. I laughed a little and he made a strange hand gesture at me, raising his middle finger and sticking his tongue out.

Virgil got mad at him for it so I know it's indecent. That doesn't surprise me, Remus is very, well I've talked enough about him. We played on the park equipment, climbing and sliding. Even though I regret sliding because of the slides temperature and the kids shoving about. I liked the swings better. Sure they were hot and kids were pushy, but they were less hot than the slide and you can spend a good while on them. Remus also pushed me and he's strong for his, skinny... Virgil says string bean fits him. Weird description, I wasn't sure about it since, string beans are legumes.

I'm going off to watch a movie, the Toy Story we picked up at the video store.

One more noteworthy thing happened tonight. I was washing the dishes and Roman came in to get a popcorn refill. I wasn't watching the movie because I opted out. It's an ok movie, but I don't like the crowded couch. Anyways Roman looked at me weirdly, he let out a whimper and left. I wonder if he's trying to insult my face by acting repulsed by me or if there was something behind me. If it's the later, I believe it to probably be the shadowy man. Actually that is illogical. He's only my hallucination.

Signed Logan


	59. 1/21/02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Я вижу, как ты восхищаешься моей работой

Dear Journal,

I couldn't sleep again last night. For once since I had moved rooms the air conditioner had become a problem. So here I am, 1 o'clock in the morning writing. Last time I wrote late I had blanked out and wrote that weird cryptic message. That's funny I hear clicking coming from under the bed, I'm going to check, so just in case. 

I, Logan Brentford being of sound body and mind declare all my stuff will belong to Virgil upon my death by stupidity.

Nevermind, not a demon, or ghost, or killer doll, just Remus. I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom because he might get choke happy. That was a terrible idea, I fell asleep in the tub, it hurt my neck a lot and got me a stern talking to. (Sarcasm) How I missed those (sarcasm end). Anyway now I have an aching neck and am highly annoyed. I'm going to Virgil, he's always great when I'm annoyed, and If i'm lucky he will let me wear his soft hoodie. I hear shouting, I think they found Remus under the bed.

No not Remus, it's much worse. There were dead rats in my bed. I blame Remus but who am I to snitch, even though I'll be loosing some of the best sheet's I've had. Such is life, my life. 

Wait it... something is off, I went to confront Remus, but I found his door locked. I had forgotten that the adults decided to do that so he had no chance to harm us. Then who put the rat's in my bed? 

Patton is too squeamish and is an animal lover much like myself.   
Virgil is also a no, he's my best friend, he wouldn't dare.   
Roman is a maybe, the dead rats could be a threat. I'm a rat and he want's to gut me while I sleep  
Des is a no, his door has a child safety lock and plus that kid is barely out of diapers. He couldn't possibly be capable of such a wide scale.   
The adults is too silly of a notion to entertain.

I'll get to the bottom of this  
Signed, Logan


	60. 1/22/02

Dear Journal,

I'm moving rooms again. This time back to my old room with Roman. Patton got moved too, in with Des. They're cleaning up the room and keeping it under lock and key. Doesn't bug me that much, well except for Roman, he had a nightmare last night and he's unbelievably loud when he's sleeping. I only managed to get to sleep when I dug out Patton's ear muffs.

 

When I woke up Roman was already downstairs. He always seems scared of me now, but whatever. Being friends with one loud, incoherent weirdo is enough. I guess that's what me and Remus are, kinda friends, as long as he doesn't choke me anymore. Not the worst friend I've had, not that I've had many. Weirdest I've probably ever had was the kid who ate hand sanitizer and pens. He's probably dead by now, kids who eat stuff they aren't meant to die fast. Ironic coming from me isn't it? 

Moving on from that, things are fine so far. I'll update if anything happens, like real stuff that's important.

Which turned out to be a new friend. Some kid moved in across the street and the adults wanted us to go and introduce ourselves. I managed to make semi friends with their son, his name is Frank. He's boring but I think we're friends? I mean if I can be friends with the choke happy twin of annoying Roman, I can be friends with a non reactive boy.

Signed, Logan


	61. 1/23/02

Dear Journal,

Roman is so evil. There were tacks in my pillow when I woke up. It's pleasant to wake up and fade out of my dream state to find tears and cuts on my face. I actually began to scream, it hurt a lot, searing searing pain. Especially with the fresh air drying out my cheek. 

I got to go to the hospital, just to get my cheek and anything deeper sewn up. I didn't tell them I suspected Roman but they obviously shared my suspicion, he's been moved rooms into his own. It'll be weird sleeping alone again. Oh well he deserves isolation, he's such a bastard. No I can't be fueled by anger, emotions are an Achilles heel to everyone. But I can rant, I want to kick his ass but I won't, because I'm nice. Well moving away to another topic.

I love burgers, don't know why but they're delicious and I'm too tired to bother writing anything.

Signed, Logan


	62. 1/24/02

Dear Journal,

Today I tried a new food called **p**

 _Something is wrong_

_you know it too_

_I can fix it_

_Listen to me, I'll save them all_

_don't you want to protect your brothers_


	63. 1/25/02

Dear Journal,

I don't know what to say about... whatever I wrote yesterday. I know that there is something going on and I want to protect my family but ~~the cost doesn't seem ~~~~~~

The way it's worded makes me scared of the price it comes at. ~~Just I'll tell the adul~~

No no I'll figure it out. Moving on from that to more positive notes. I slept very well last night, no waking up with a tack covered face either. So even with the highly cryptic, very concerning, I considered last night a job well done or as Virgil would say "a win". I can at least be content with that until whatever this threat to my brothers shows itself and whoever has been writing in my journal helps in it. I still don't like the cost.

Oh and the Shadowy man is back to sulking in my corners, he's much less I see him and he vanishes now so maybe he's the it the note is talking about. Or it's Roman, he does seem evil, and I kinda want to slap him. I wanted to for a long time but after punching Patton I feel I won't be forgiven as easily. If he is this evil thing I will get to slap him. 

I'm rambling on him, so moving on. Virgil is


	64. 1/26/02

Dear journal,

The shadowy man has begun talking to me, I hate his voice, it's indescribable but I don't like it. He has told me more about the threat and him. He's the one who's been writing when I don't remember, but he didn't tell me because of what I did to Patton. I wish he was back to writing to me because of his voice. 

Now moving on to what I've been told on the threat. Which is not much, all I know is it's not him, it's not Roman, but I'm the only one who can save my brothers because I'm the only one he can talk to. I hope I'll pull it off and I can save them from whatever is coming. I'll know u soon, he promised he'll tell me everything I need to know on the day and make sure I do it all correctly. 

Nothing else as important has happened, Remus, Virgil, and I went back to the park and messed about. I'm starting to really like Remus, his antics don't really bug me anymore so we've become closer as friends. Virgil is still weary around him but he's coming around, I feel like soon we'll be a triple threat. Especially whenever we go out, like Harry and his friends. I'm obviously Hermione, Virgil would be Harry, and Remus would be Ron. Speaking of Harry potter I'm excited for the next book that will come out next year. The Order of the Phoenix, I'm figuratively dying to know what happens next. I absolutely adore the books and I hope I can get it for my birthday or that the library bothers to order them. 

 

Anyway I have a movie to watch, I picked it out. It's called 'The Prophecy' it looked interesting and Virgil liked it more than when I first picked The Shinning. So after this I'll be going to bed. 

Signed, Logan


	65. 1/27/02

Dear Journal,

I feel so tired. I can't sleep, not even Virgil's Jacket is working anymore, I'm trying but I just feel like whenever I try I just can't. At least Virgil makes it better, he lets me stay in as close to sleep as I can. He holds my ears when our brothers get to loud and after a while he actually started talking to me. He told me about his dreams and what he wants to be as an adult. He knows I'm "resting" so he kept a quite voice but it was still nice to hear him. When I was done "resting" we watched Snow White with Roman and I managed to get Patton to build a puzzle with me. It had 100 pieces and was a bunch of puppies. Probably why Patton agreed, he really loves animals. Not wild, just domesticated animals like cats, dogs, and birds. 

Everyone has their own likes I guess but if he just held a tarantula he would know how amazing and just as soft as dogs they are. Or moths, moths are even better than spiders, and definitely better than dogs. A moth is less likely to kill you than a dog, dog attacks happen all the time, moth attacks don't. Sure people could choke on a moth but that is highly unlikely, so it's less probable to happen. 

I tried to bring this up to Patton but once I mentioned death he kinda just broke down. It hurt me but I didn't mean anything so I couldn't apologize, my mom told me before to never apologize unless every part of you was sorry. If you even feel one part that doubts it, don't apologize until you're sure your sorry. 

Apparently the adults have another philosophy, apologize to spare feelings. No matter how much I explained that it was disgenuine to say sorry when I didn't fully feel it. So now I'm grounded until I apologize. First off I'm stuck in my room which is neither underground or on the ground floor so grounded is the wrong term. And second off punishing me because I will not lie to his face won't make me sorry for my actions. From what I remember from my mom it just breeds hatred, people don't like to find themselves at fault so they'll hate others till that person makes themself the bad guy because of the first persons influence. 

I'm going to apologize just to get it over with, They're having quesadillas for dinner and I adore them.  
Signed, Logan


	66. 1/28/02

Dear Journal, 

I have slept. I have overcome my restlessness and managed to slip into a land of dreams. I was laying in my bed, but I wasn't in my room exactly, the room I was in was old and withered, after looking around I noticed there was a man standing in front of me. They seemed to be wearing a blue mask with white eyes. They wouldn't stop staring and then the music started to play and suddenly there was this old doll in his arms.   
That was very creepy but on more pressing matters. 

Virgil is sick and I am unsure of what to do, he's not deathly sick but he can't really be out of his room and I don't know how to make him feel better. He says I don't have to do anything but I feel like I do. That there's some obligation I have to him because he's my brother. I got it, I'll do his chores and try making him soup. Soup seems to cure a multitude of simple diseases. 

 

I messed up, I don't know how to make soup, I made burned chicken water and got disciplined by the adults before they made listen to their directions to make soup. I didn't like to listen to them but at least I could help Virgil.

Signed, Logan


	67. 1/29/02

Dear Journal, 

Virgil liked the soup I gave him yesterday, so with supervision, I made him some more and we ate it together. It was like lunch mixed with those scenes from cheesy teen movies, the ones where girls sit on the bed and braid each other's hair. I don't think I could braid Virgil's hair, he's very protective of it and it's short. I'm sure I could braid Remus' hair if he would sit still. Sometimes I wonder if he is always on a sugar high.

I have been banned from all access to the fridge, I may have eaten two whole jars of crofters including the jar I emptied on my sandwhich. But still no reason to ban me, just keep the crofters locked up better. Anyway I was planning to go to the park but the Shadowy Man said that I need to be here at all times in case the threat get's too much. So now I'm crofter's free and far from my favored brothers. 

I saw two moth's on the balcony, they were so magnificent. It definitely makes up for the hours of isolation, and the awkward dinner. We had asparagus, I hate asparagus. I tried to voice this and they told me to eat my food or I wouldn't get desert. I then may or may not have snapped and threw asparagus at Joan, and may or may not be locked up in my room for the night. 

Signed, Logan


	68. 1/30/02

Dear Journal, 

Virgil got signed up for a knitting class, he said the adults said it was for some sort of stress relief. He's (sarcasm)pretty good (sarcasm end) at it so far, he knitted me a ball of yarn. He laughed at that one, I like to let him read some of the funnier entries. None of the more serious ones, I don't want him to be burdened by my issues. 

Des just smashed a ball of play dough into my glasses. And now I'm having a hard time seeing because my glasses are not just for show and I can't find my glasses cleaner. So I'm going to have to ask Patton for his. 

Success my glasses are clean and I can go smash play dough on Des' face. No, I'll just get punished, maybe I should hide his favorite stuffed animal, just to give a less obvious revenge. I don't want to be in trouble anymore.

It's tomorrow, The Shadowy man has told me everything. I know the evil, I can stop it. I can save my brothers.

Signed, Logan


	69. 1/31/02

Dear Journal,

I'm scared of what I have to do, I know it and I can stop myself but I am so afraid. I've considered it before but staring it in the face I don't know what to do. 

I want to transcribe the day until I do it. 

It started out with me waking up and going downstairs to eat the french toast that Patton and Thomas had made for breakfast. It was delicious and after breakfast, Virgil and I went and played with his gameboy and talked about random things. The color of the sky, why things exist, and just things that make me so relaxed. Remus joined us later and the conversations shifted more to ridiculous topics but I had to excuse myself when the conversation shifted to things that concerned morticians. I didn't want to think about that.

I watched after Des until lunch when I helped the adults cook and make stuff for the others. It felt nice, especially eating at the table with Virgil again, being around him just makes me happy. Remus is nice too but I've known Virgil longer and we're much closer. At least I like to think we are. 

I really can't think of anything else, he's telling me I can't stall anymore, I'm sorry who ever finds this.

 

Goodbye whoever you were, Logan Brentford


	70. 2/1/02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning (Suicide mentions/Death mentions)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I regret writing this in anger, he didn't deserve any tragedy.

Dear Journal, 

~~That's how he always started these, wasn't it? I guess I should explain if future old man me or my grandkids ever read this. My name is Roman Joseph Lawrence, I was Logan's older brother. He's gone now, I found this in his old hiding spot and well It's mine now.~~

~~I read what he's written and I feel terrible for how he saw me, I must have seemed like a terrible monster. I thought I was being nice but I guess I just was selfish and now he's gone. But I can't believe he did that to us!!! He hurt everyone by jumping off the balcony! Virgil won't come out of his room and Patton had to find the body, he had to see that.~~

~~And **EVEN WORSE** he hurt my brother who was already so heavily damaged by getting close to him and in some insane delusion he threw himself off the balcony and hurt everyone. ~~

~~Logan is a terrible person. He deserved to go mad but not to die and hurt everyone.~~

 

~~Roman is out.~~


End file.
